April is absolutely my favorite time of the year. That’s when it all comes together for me. I get to see the income taxes I’ve paid, what extra I might owe, or whether I get some of it back. I try to arrange to get a healthy chunk back, so the missus and I can have a nice night on the town. A juicy steak and a bottle of wine, courtesy of Uncle Sam—now that’s a government program I can get behind!
Of course, I doubt I’d be so enthusiastic about paying my income taxes if they just took the money without asking. But the good news is we live in the United States of America, where nothing happens without our say so. ‘We the people’ have the power, and those civil servants who work for us—well, they’ll just have to get by on what we give ‘em to spend. These income tax rates—they’re EXACTLY what they should be. Thirty-nine and a six-tenths of one percent, that’s how much the government should get. I don’t remember voting for that, but I must have at some point—this is America, after all. But only 39.6%, not one penny more. You have to draw the line somewhere.
And look at all we get for our money. I don’t know how they do it, but those government people must be geniuses. The government buildings—so many of them, so big and so beautiful. So well-appointed too, built with the finest materials. Once you get inside, everything is so clean, so purposeful, and so efficient. That’s the word for it—efficient. Everything about the government runs like a well-oiled machine. The people who work there—so courteous, so enthusiastic, and so helpful.
We can thank the government—and our tax dollars—for the amazing prosperity we enjoy. Everyone is doing well. It doesn’t matter who you are, how smart you are, where you’ve gone to school, or what you’ve learned. Everyone who wants to work has a high-paying job doing exactly what he or she wants to do. Why it hardly feels like work at all! And if you don’t want to work, that’s fine too, because there’s plenty to go around. Beautiful, well-kept neighborhoods filled with large, gorgeous homes. And new cars everywhere. The only people who drive older cars are high-school kids learning to drive. Every one of those high-school kids, by the way, is headed for college too. Meanwhile, it’s hard to keep up with the new shops, new businesses, new schools, new hospitals, new roads, and new everything else springing up all over. And I mean all over the country, not just where I live. You gotta hand it to the people in the government—in addition to being as smart as all get out, they sure have the Midas touch.
All this abundance is amazing enough, but the real kicker is the peace. Peace everywhere in America, and all around the world too. Thanks to America, of course. They love us, everywhere. Everywhere you go, if you’re an American, you’re the toast of the town. Literally! "Mr. American, please, come in and have a drink. Mr. American, please, come into my shop. Please accept this gift, Mr. American. God bless you and thank you, Mr. American." Sometimes it’s just too much, too good to be true, and you just have to shake your head in disbelief. And when you do, sometimes you’ll catch the eye of another American doing the same thing. I love it when that happens.
You might call what we have “utopia”, but I can assure you that everything isn’t perfect. Why just the other day I got a letter from the Internal Revenue Service saying that they’d accidentally withheld a bit more taxes than they should have. So I know the government makes mistakes. Heck, they’re only human. But they made good on it, and I have the refund check to prove it. Maybe the missus and I will try that new Thai place everyone’s talking about.
Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes once wrote that “taxes are what we pay for a civilized society”. He was a government employee at the time, so he knew what he was talking about. Bully for you, Ollie, and thank you and all your colleagues throughout the history of the U.S. government for your outstanding public service.
Happy April 15th, y’all!
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